So Much Hurt, So Much Pain

Dear Lord,

You know how horrible the past few days have been for me. Every hour, every minute, every second, I think about our relationship, what it has become, and I just end up feeling all sorts of bad things I don't want to feel.

I feel angry at myself for being too demanding or too vocal. I feel angry at myself for not trying to understand him better. I feel doubtful of myself. I doubt that anyone could ever love me after seeing what happened to him. I blame myself for the person he's become. I blame myself for how the relationship has turned out. I don't know what to do anymore.

Tonight, we had another talk. Lord, I read in Your word that he who is more mature in the relationship can initiate the talk. But even that, I question myself with. Am I really the more mature person in the relationship when I can't even understand what's going on. He himself doesn't even understand what's going on... even though I've tried to explain it a million times.

Lord, I'm in so much pain right now. He says he hasn't changed and he's always been like that. I don't believe him. But Lord, in Your word, You said I need to show him respect. Does it mean that I'd have to respect and accept the person he's become? Lord, it hurts me everyday to see him like that... to receive an sms from his unusual self. I don't know how else I can make the relationship work.

Lord, he's not even in pain. He doesn't even see why I'm feeling so upset. I think he has already shut me out of his life. It has never been this difficult, Lord. I really can't do this anymore. But I am weak. I don't know how to end it. I can't end it. It hurts so bad. Lord, grant me the strength I need. I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do.

Amen.